


Say It Again

by firstdegreefangirl



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Beginnings, Eddie panics, Love Confessions, M/M, and no physical violence, better communication than canon, but it's a start, but this time it's more feelsy, it's another grocery store fic, no street fighting, still not perfect, they need to talk again later
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:49:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25458070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firstdegreefangirl/pseuds/firstdegreefangirl
Summary: When he and Buck are arguing in the grocery store, Eddie says too much. Luckily, it turns out to be exactly the right thing in the end.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 266





	Say It Again

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tkreyesevandiaz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tkreyesevandiaz/gifts).



> I've had this finished for a while, but Zee finally talked me into positing it. Thanks, babe! 
> 
> feat. emotional Eddie, who makes much better choices than he made in canon, but not perfect choices, because he's still human and therefore, imperfect

"I mean, what do you think this whole shopping trip is even about?” Eddie rolls his eyes and waves a package of deli meat at his new friend as they walk through the grocery store. 

“Buck.” Bosco nods, having listened to Eddie talk about the other man most of the day. He wasn’t trying to ramble about Buck, honestly, but he was having a hard time adjusting to the sudden change of not having his best friend around anymore. Of legally not being allowed to reach out to Buck. 

“Exactly!” He nods emphatically. “It’s just a distraction to keep our minds off of--” but she cuts him off. 

“No, no, no. _Buck."_ This time, she points, and Eddie feels anger start boiling in his stomach when he follows her finger and sees him grinning at the duo. 

“Whoa, hey, you guys!” At face value, it sounds casual. Too casual, Eddie thinks, and the rage builds as he realizes that Buck probably planned to find the team here. “What’s up?” 

“What are you doing here?” There’s a little bit of bite in his words, but nothing compared to what he’s feeling right now. 

All the days he hasn’t gotten to work with Buck, all the nights they haven’t hung out, all the times Eddie has had to explain to Christopher that Buck is ‘taking a little break from the 118 right now, but I know he’d want to see you if they’d let him,’ and Buck thinks he can brush it all aside by asking “what’s up?” 

Eddie knows Buck is saying something; he can see his mouth moving. But he can’t hear the words over the rushing sounds of his own rage in his ears. Everything that he’s thrown away, and he’s just standing here in the store, waving a box of – of _cat laxative?_ Because he’s been out of their lives long enough now that that’s a thing he could need, and Eddie wouldn’t even know. 

And that kills him. It’s killing him to watch Buck being his goofy, situationally-clumsy self, like he hasn’t thrown a grenade into the middle of Eddie’s life. Probably the very same grenade over which they formed their friendship to begin with. 

He catches the beginnings of what sounds like remorse, and makes himself tune back into the situation in front of him. 

“I came here to apologize, OK?” Eddie knew it. He knew that Buck had somehow rigged this, set up a scenario where he could corner the 118 and say whatever he wanted. “I … I never meant for things to get so out of hand with the lawsuit and …" 

Eddie’s had enough. He can see his own anger now, practically visualize the red glow over everything, the heat inside him turning everything wavy like he’s staring through flames. 

He’s not going to stand here and let Buck pander to him, pretend like there’s nothing wrong. 

“Yeah, what’d you think was going to happen? The lawsuit’s bad enough, but you told your lawyer everything about us! _Personal things.”_ Something squeezes in his chest, because he knows Buck didn’t tell his lawyer everything about Eddie. 

Because as furious as he is that Buck has been hiding himself from the team all this time, he’s been hiding something of his own from Buck. 

“You’re supposed to be truthful with your lawyer.” He says it like that explains everything, explains all the oversharing, the ignorance, and everything else. 

_You’re supposed to be truthful with your best friend too_ , his brain supplies. But he can’t let himself spill all the cards now, not when he isn’t even supposed to be talking to Buck. He can’t give him one more thing he could tell that sleazy attorney, one more sword he could stick in Eddie’s back. 

He hears Buck ask why they’re pissed at him, but he can't help but feel like it’s directed more personally at him. 

Why? Why is he so pissed? Because after everything they’d been through, just when he’d felt like he had a really good thing going with Buck, he pulls this stunt. When Eddie had _almost_ worked up the nerve to tell Buck how he felt, tell him how much he’d changed his life, he disappeared. Slipped right through Eddie’s fingers, just like every good thing he’s ever had. His son’s infant years, his first true love, everything he’s ever had going for him, the world had taken it all away. 

And then it took Buck too. 

And Eddie didn’t even get to tell him he loved him first. 

“You’re _exhausting_.” He can’t say it now, so he goes for everything else that’s on his mind, gives in to the anger and lets it bubble over. “We all have our own problems, but you don’t see us whining about it. Hell, you don’t see me whining about how much I love you!” 

He hears the words come out of his mouth, and the world stops. He stops breathing for a second, watches the trees stop waving in the breeze. There’s a look on Buck’s face like Eddie just put a bullet through his chest, which is maybe the one injury Buck hasn’t gotten at work yet. And Eddie never, ever wanted to be the person making him look like that. 

Fuck. 

Things start moving again, and Buck’s face falls. 

“You w-what?” 

He can’t do this. Not here, not now, not when he shouldn’t even be seeing Buck. He’s already said too much, so Eddie mutters something about how he’s glad to see Buck back on his feet and flees. 

Bosko yells after him, calling his name, but he’s never responded to “Diaz,” unless it’s coming from a commanding officer, so he keeps running. He hurries past Bobby in the produce department, past the checkout as he hears his captain shout his name too, out the front doors of the store and back onto the rig. 

When he’s in his seat, the door pulled closed behind him, Eddie finally lets himself breathe. He’s half-expecting Buck to follow him, to give chase and try to pry more information out of him, but he doesn’t come. Eddie’s not sure why that stings a little bit, given that he doesn’t want to talk to Buck right now to begin with. 

But they’ve never needed to talk. It’s always been enough just to sit in each other’s presence, and Eddie thinks that’s maybe what he misses most of all. 

He’ll never get it back now, even when the lawsuit is all said and done, when everything else is water under the bridge, there’s no way to take back that he stood in the grocery store, yelled at Buck that he loves him, and took off running like a coward. 

He’s still beating himself up about it, about all of it – the yelling, the running, the confession, loving Buck to begin with when he knew that Buck would just end up hurting him like everybody else – when the rest of the team piles back into the truck, grocery bags settled by their feet. 

It’s awkward, the way everyone glances at him like they don’t want him to see them look. And he gets it, he’s just barely not the new guy, he’s the screwup now, he’s the one who couldn’t even keep it in check for an hour at the grocery store. If he were in their shoes, if he’d watched the guy who’s supposed to have his back throw a fit in the store and run away, he’d be wondering if they were up to the job too. 

As she sits down next to him, Bosko nudges his shoulder with hers. She at least manages to make eye contact with him, but there’s something in her gaze that looks like she’s about to ask him if he wants to talk about his feelings. He doesn’t, so he shoots back a withering glare and deliberately leans away from her, settling himself against the window for the ride back to the station. 

Eddie spends the rest of the shift brooding, sits in stony silence through the lunch Bobby cooks when they’re back at the 118, doesn’t argue when he’s stuck with dish duty. 

At least if he’s doing the dishes, people won’t try to chat with him. 

But Hen, as much as Eddie usually loves her, blows his one saving grace to smithereens when she leans against the counter next to him. 

“So. That was a side of you we’ve never seen before.” 

“Yeah, well it’s a side of Buck we’ve never seen before too.” He’s holding a plate in the suds, gripping it so tightly that he’s surprised it hasn’t broken yet. 

“I know, but we can’t do anything about the holes he’s dug for himself. You, however, had quite the outburst.” 

“Don’t worry about it.” He glares at her, then takes a deep breath and rinses the plate before he says anything else. “How’d Buck take it?” 

“He ran out almost as soon as you did. That’s why Chim and I stalled so long before we let Bobby check out. We figured he’d gone after you and the two of you might need a minute to sort things out.” 

“Well he didn’t.” Eddie goes rigid again, and doesn't let himself relax until Hen has patted his shoulder gently and gone back downstairs. 

He finishes the dishes, mercifully without shattering anything but his own heart, and wanders aimlessly around the building until he winds up in the common room with a TV remote in his hands. He switches it on for background noise, but doesn’t pay any attention to the screen. There’s too much playing back on endless repeat inside his mind for him to focus on anything else. 

Until Chimney carefully sits down next to him, leaving plenty of distance between them, and looks at him warily. 

“Wouldn’t have pegged you for the soap opera type, Eddie.” He chuckles, but it sounds forced to Eddie’s ears. “Even if you’re hate-watching, which seems to be your vibe today.” 

Chimney has the decency to recoil when Eddie growls in his direction, but he settles in to watch the episode anyway. 

No one else tries to talk to him for the rest of the shift, and it’s exactly what Eddie had been angling for all along. He grabs his bag out of his locker, trying to decide if he even wants to mess around with beer tonight or stop for a bottle of the hard stuff on his way home. 

Bosko steps in front of him as soon as he gets to the parking lot, almost like she was waiting for him to leave. He listens idly while she invites him out, tells him that she knows a place where they can “blow off some steam.” 

There’s a couple of things he thinks that might mean, from a trip to the shooting range to a one-night stand he knows he’d regret before it was even over. He doesn’t wait around to find out what she’s offering though, choosing instead to take a wide step around her and say that he’s got plans for a hot shower and a quiet night before he has to pick Christopher up in the morning. 

She sizes him up, but lets him go, and he decides that he should probably stick to beer tonight, lest he have to deal with a hyperactive 9-year-old, heartbreak _and_ a hangover on his day off tomorrow. 

He's three beers in, just starting to feel the pleasant tingle of the alcohol in his system and think about how much better it would feel under the spray of his showerhead, when there’s a knock at his door. 

Eddie ignores it. He’s not expecting anyone, doesn’t want to see anyone, even a door-to-door salesperson he could swear at and send away. But there’s another knock, more insistent, a moment later. 

He ignores that one too. Whoever it is can get the message, decide he’s asleep or out of the house, and move on. If it’s important, they can leave it on the doorstep and he’ll get it in the morning. 

Then there’s a third knock, continual this time, and it becomes abundantly clear that whoever it is isn’t going anywhere. So Eddie stands up, steady on his feet even through his buzz, and swings the front door open. There’s no hiding the irritation on his face, so he doesn't even try to. 

“Whatever you’re selling, I don’t need it. My windows are fine, I mow my own gra--” But he cuts himself off as his world jerks to a stop for the second time today. “Buck.” 

He feels the anger coming back as soon as he recognizes the other man. It's cold fury this time, running like ice in his veins. There’s nothing left for him to say to Buck. He’s already laid it all out there, and from the sounds of it, the odds are that Buck’s lawyer already knows everything that happened this afternoon. 

He’s half expecting Buck to serve him with a restraining order. Except he’d have to violate the order to give it to Eddie, and wouldn’t that defeat the whole purpose? 

Buck rocks back on his heels, crams his hands deep in his coat pockets. 

“Hey, Eddie.” 

Just like earlier, he sounds way too laid-back for someone who’s probably about to turn over legal paperwork, and Eddie feels the hatred flicker in his eyes. 

“Thought you weren’t allowed to talk to us.” There’s no emotion in his voice, the same cold and even tone he perfected in the military when he couldn’t let the façade slip even for a second. “Thought you didn’t need anyone anymore.” 

Buck recoils at that, leans back again like Eddie has slapped him, as if he’d ever lay a hand on Buck. 

Eddie hates how attractive he still looks. 

“Eddie …" 

“What, Buck?” He sighs, stepping closer to the doorway so there’s no way that Buck thinks he’s going to get an invitation inside. When Buck doesn’t respond, he tries again. “If you’re not going to say anything, then go home and tell your lawyer whatever the hell you want to about the grocery store.” 

“He’s, uh, he’s not my lawyer anymore.” Buck stares down at his feet, shifting his weight between them. 

“What, you hire someone else? One person wasn’t enough to spill all of our secrets to?” The mask slips and Eddie hears the ire in his voice. Buck does too, if the expression on his face when he looks up to meet Eddie’s eyes is any indication. 

“No! I don’t have a lawyer anymore! I dropped the suit!” It’s the first time Eddie has heard him yell about this, heard him sound anything but defeated or jovial, depending on the moment. “Not like you give a shit, apparently, but I dropped it this afternoon. As … as soon as I left the grocery store. As soon as you said … that, I knew I couldn’t go through with it.” 

Of all the things that he was expecting when Buck showed up on his doorstep, of the precious few things he’d let himself hope for, this wasn’t even close to being on the list. 

“Hen said you came after me.” Eddie’s response comes out as a low whisper, as he tries not to let himself show too much emotion, give Buck any more power than he already has. “I was on the giant red truck out front, Buck. Not exactly hard to spot.” 

“I know.” He rocks back again, running a hand through his hair. “I … I thought about it. But I … you ran out so fast I didn’t know if you’d want to talk to me. I still _don’t_ _know_. But I wanted you to hear it from me, that I’d dropped the suit. You deserve to hear it from me.” 

Eddie doesn’t reply, can’t even _move_ under the weight of what Buck is telling him. 

“Anyway, that’s all I needed.” Buck looks crestfallen, but steps back anyway. “I’ll, uh, I’ll leave you to it. Enjoy your night, Eddie.” 

Eddie watches him leave, lets him get halfway down the driveway before he can find even a single word to say. And even then, it’s only a single word. 

“Buck.” He calls into the dark, half-sure that Buck is going to keep walking, pretend he didn’t hear. But he turns around, and Eddie flounders for a moment when he realizes he didn’t have a next move planned. “Want a beer?” 

He steps back, pulls the door open a little further in silent invitation. Buck shrugs, looking indifferent to the offer. 

“Sure.” There’s something Eddie recognizes in his voice that gives his excitement away, a tinge of joy that’s been missing the last few times they’ve talked. 

Eddie smiles to himself at the thought as he watches Buck trail back up the driveway and into the house. He toes his shoes off at the door, like he always does. It feels so routine that for a moment Eddie is able to forget about the awkwardness that lingers between them as Buck follows him to the kitchen and accepts the beer he holds out. 

Neither of them say anything for the longest time, both trying to pretend they’re not looking at each other out the corners of their eyes. It’s uncomfortable, but at least they’re in the same room now. 

Just because of that, Eddie thinks it’s the best moment he’s had with Buck in close to a month. 

Buck drains his beer quickly, like he’s drinking with a purpose. Either that, or he’s trying to finish the beer so he can leave, but Eddie really hopes it’s the former, and he’s proven right when Buck lets the glass _clink_ against the counter and looks up. 

“Eddie.” He waits for Eddie to meet his gaze before he keeps talking. “Did you mean it?” 

Eddie doesn’t have to ask what Buck is referring to. 

_Did he mean –_ he doesn't even think through half of the question before the answer is falling out of his mouth, totally bypassing any mental filter he might have tried to use to prevent himself from being too forward. 

“Yeah. … I did.” He forces himself to hold eye contact, even when every bone in his body wants to look down when Buck doesn’t respond immediately. 

“You … you’re in love with me?” Eddie thinks Buck sounds hopeful, tries not to let himself get too excited before he finds out where the conversation is going. 

“I am.” At that, Buck raises an eyebrow expectantly and Eddie rolls his eyes. “You were there this afternoon. What do you want me to say?” 

“That you love me.” Buck’s face splits into a wide grin, and Eddie can’t help but roll his eyes as he feels a matching smile push across his own cheeks. 

He takes the last swig of his beer, then sets the bottle down next to Buck’s and steps forward, closing just enough distance between them to reach out and rest his hands on Buck’s biceps. Eddie lets himself squeeze for a moment, feeling the firm muscles beneath his sweatshirt and savoring the moment. 

Then he leans in, brushing his lips so gently across Buck’s that he can barely feel the contact. Eddie leans back just far enough to breathe and whisper against Buck’s mouth. 

“I love you.” 

He shifts forward again, pressing their mouths together in another tiny kiss, fingers twitching on Buck’s arms when he feels one of Buck’s hands come up to cover his own. “And you can tell your old lawyer that too, because I’m tired of hiding it.” 

“You’re over being mad at me?” There’s hesitation in Buck’s voice, and he curls his shoulders in as he pulls back slightly. 

Eddie slides his hands up to knead gently at Buck’s shoulders as he figures out how to phrase his answer. He’s not going to lie to Buck, not when they’ve just worked things out, but he doesn’t want him to get any misunderstood ideas. 

“I’ll get over it. Still pissed you didn’t just come talk to us, but that’s not just a problem with you. We all screwed that one up, and you didn’t think you could talk to us.” 

Buck’s eyes fill with tears, but Eddie knows he was right to be honest. He cradles Buck’s face in one hand, brushing a thumb across his cheekbone until he smiles again. 

“But that’s not for tonight.” He squeezes Buck’s shoulder again. “We can’t do anything about it now, so we’ll worry about it later, OK?” Eddie waits for Buck to nod, then leans in for another soft kiss. “Tonight, I love you,” He kisses him again. “And I’m glad you came over. Want to stay for a movie?” And again. “Maybe … later than that?” Again. “I’d hate to make you drive home tired.” 

He leans back so Buck can answer, stroking his cheek again and eliciting a sigh. 

“I think that can be arranged.” Buck turns his head just far enough that he can kiss the side of Eddie’s hand. “One condition, though.” 

“What?” Eddie kisses him again, a little more firmly this time, but breaks it off so Buck can respond to his question with a breathy statement as his eyelids flutter and he presses his face into Eddie’s palm. 

“Say it again.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Like I said, it's been a minute, but if I remember right, Charlie was the inspo for the tiny kisses at the end, so he gets a shoutout too!
> 
> Like it? Love it? Let me know!  
> xoxo


End file.
